THE AFRICAN AND CARIBBEAN CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP, ABERDEEN BRANCH

The lord god said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for Him. For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will Become one flesh (Genesis 2: 18 & 24).

When two people are married, they bring into the marriage the memories of their experiences that Tend to shape the way in which they understand the world, their partner and the marriage.

It takes time, honesty, patience, commitment and tolerance to overcome any differences.

Success in marriage depends among other things on the manliness of the husband, the meekness of the woman and guidance from God.

Marriage covenant is outstanding because the lord commands two to become one flesh. It is solemn, intended as binding for life and above all it has God as its third strand. Marriage is the basis fabric of existence.

Since the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, God dealing with man has always been on covenant Basis. God loves covenant and hates covenant breaking.

Jeremiah 34:18 “The man who have violated My covenant and have not fulfilled the terms of the Covenant they made before me, I will treat like calf they cut in two and then walked between its Pieces”.

Malachi 2:13 “ Another things you do; you flood the Lords altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pay attention to your offering or accepts them with pleasure from your Hands. You asked why?

It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.”

“ Has not the Lord made them one? in flesh and in spirit, they are His. And why one? because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in spirit and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.”

“ I hate a man covering himself with violence as well as with his garment”.

A covenant requires sacrifice and marriage is about laying down our life sacrificially. It reflects the oneness and the mystery of the trinity of God. Marriage means de-emphasising the spirit of selfness in our reputation, interests and opinions for the oneness of the relationship.

However, it takes double deaths to bring about a single family life. If one life holds on to its selfness, the centre may not hold.

Every marriage starts as bilingual, the language of the man, and the language of the woman. And it has no interpreter. Each has to learn the language of the other. Bridging this language barrier; the body language, the spoken language, the emotional language, the spiritual language and the language of experiences, will lead to understanding in the marriage.

Marriage is not about what you deserve, it is about what you negotiate to get closer with time.

Love is a crucial factor in a marriage covenant. Christian love is not blind. Love that is blind is lust. Lust is an emotion that ends in a choice, whilst love is a decision or a choice that ends in an emotion.

If a relationship starts from an emotional realm it will lead to a choice based on emotion, the durability and strength of such a choice would depend on what feels good. It comes easily and goes quickly. In Christian life, choice is first and the emotion that comes will be on quality choice, like a product of a value-judgement. That is why the lord commands us to love one another, because we can decide to love. Emotion on the other hand is a feeling and therefore cannot be commanded.

However, if we continue to love long enough, emotion such as likeness will eventually follow.

Those Christians hoping to be married should examine each others goal and Gods calling before entering into a marriage covenant. Pay particular attention to the weaknesses that you may have put up with it, if they do not change.

For those already married, God also has a plan. So many people in the world today believe they married the “ wrong person “. There are no “ wrong persons “ only that some partners require a lot more adjustments to reach oneness. She or he may not appear to be the perfect person for you, who can tell? It is the glory of God to keep the exclusive right to such eventuality to Himself. He cares and has made provision or allowance to accommodate us. Whatever situation we are.

Jeremiah 18:1-3 illustrates Gods circumstantial will for us and he moulds us even on the second chance, “ shaping it as seemed best to Him “. His best is more than enough.

If you continue in faith long enough, you will see the glory of God in your marriage. Only do not faint before your harvest and do not be annoyed so much as to commit “ marital sin “. To do this, is to allow the devil to steal it all. It is a grievous sin in the eyes of the lord and an act of dishonour to your spouse as well as to your posterity.

In the mist of the storms, there is a hidden gold in your marriage, custom-made for you and your partner. It is your responsibility to dig hard enough to find the “ winning combination “ to access to this hid treasure.

No preparation can really be adequate for what you find when you get into the realities of a marriage situation. Both parties are ill-prepared but the man is usually the least prepared. The only education that they had with interest and undisclosed enthusiasm is in area of sex education.

Most people therefore come into marriage sexually minded, yet important as this is, it is the least of all that it takes to keep a marriage strong and holy. When the excitement wears out, the reality settles in.

1) (verse 23) “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church”

The head co-ordinates the functions of the body. A man’s ability to serve is the basis of the Headship.

The authority that the husband is the head in home is preceded by the above responsibility. The husband is accountable for the things that happen in the home even though the woman runs the house.

Therefore husband leads only by example. He should be dependable and committed to the s uccess of the marriage. In practice, roles are negotiated, each according to his or her ability.

Jesus Christ saved us from sins, from the dangers of this world and from the flames of eternal condemnation. Husband should empower the wife to break free from any form of oppression in and out of the marriage. The husband should be a source of encouragement, help, and motivation.

3) verse 24) “---therefore as the church is subjected unto Christ so let the wives be subjected to their husbands in everything.”

Most husbands would like their wives to be submissive to them just as church unto Jesus.

Submission of wives does not imply any inferiority or lack of value. This type of submission is not demanded but can only be willingly given and it applies to what is fitting and appropriate. Christ is patient towards the church, Christ keeps His promises, Christ is faithful and his strength is made manifest in the weakness of the church. Every husband should strive to attain these standards in relating to their wives.

Colossians 3:13 “clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” always.

4) (verse 25) “husbands love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it”

All married men have wives but only those that love their wives qualify as husbands.

Proverbs 30:23 says “an unloved woman who is married makes the earth tremble”. A husband must not only love the wife but must love as Christ loved the church that he gave him for it. This calls for self sacrifice.

1 Corinthians 13:4 “Love is patient, love is kind, it keeps no record of wrong; love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always persevere and love never fails”. For husbands, this is an important challenge. The husband’s love must be utterly selfless and sacrificial and devoid of bitterness, resentment or anger.

5) (verse 25) “That he may sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water”

To sanctify means to make clean. On the final analysis, it is not how quarrelsome or nagging your wife is but how you have succeeded in enabling her to change these premarital problems. To sanctify also means to set apart. Your wife should have a special place in your heart and be set apart and protected from the pressures of the world.

6) (verse 27) “that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spots or wrinkle or any such thing that it might be holy, and without blemish”

This is a follow-up to the preceding issue, the husband should enhance the potential for the wife to Become presentable regardless of what she was before they became married.

7) (verse 29a) “for no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourish it and cherish it even as the lord cherish the church”

to hate your wife is to hate your own body. The husband should be a source of nourishment; physically, emotionally and by doing so he will earn her respect.

this means to hold in high esteem. To cherish a wife is to make her feel important and appreciated.

This feeling removes insecurity. Most women resort to nagging and jealousy as an expression of insecurity.

Insecurity leads inferiority complex and inferiority complex leads to bitterness, anger and depression.

9) 1 Peter 3:7 “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them (wives) with understanding, giving honour to the wife as to the weaker vessel and being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” honour your wife as co-heir to the grace of life and to dwell with understanding means to establish good communication with her. Communication is basis of understanding. The bible calls christian men to be students of the knowledge of her who is the wife. Weaker vessel means fragility of higher value. If you want her to be a lady, treat her as a lady.

10) 1 Timothy 5:8 “but if anyone does not provide for his own especially for those of his household he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever”

a man should provide for his household and that includes encouraging the wife to provide, if she is good at this. If the wife is a better provider for the family then she needs the continual encouragement and blessing of her husband. So men are prone to insecurity under this circumstance, but the way such handled, usually reflects the spiritual maturity of the couple.

1) A woman needs a man after gods heart. She needs to know and respect her husband as a man of God. It brings security to her spirit. It is reassuring for a wife to know that her husband hears the voice of god on a regular basis and feels even better if shared with her.

2)A wife needs intimacy and to be able to share the secret of her husband. This often revolves round communication skills. Men are not given often to communication, more so with their wives.

Men love to talk about highfalutin subjects that have no direct bearing with their immediate environment but women like to talk about details of the immediate family. As it is said, whereas a man desire is to undress his wife physically, a woman desire to undress her man emotionally.

Women grieve softly and heal slowly but men grieve hard and heal fast. Men deal with facts and figures while women deal with feelings.

3)A wife needs consistent affection apart from sex. Women appreciate being touched and cared for outside the act of sex advances. She wants to know that she is important to her husband.

1)A wife needs a husband who will encourage her to find her rightful place in the body of Christ.

2)She needs a husband that would boost her self esteem by encouragement and praises.

THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF A WOMAN IN MARRIAGE

The only person created as a woman is Eve genesis 2:23 “this is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman for she was taken out man.”

All others were born female. Jesus said in Matthew 19:4 “Haven’t you read that at the

It is in the process of time that the female matures into womanhood. Only women become married.

Genesis 2:18 “the lord god said it is not good for a man to be alone. I will make a helper Suitable for him.”

this does not necessary connote loneliness, though there was a bit of that, but that a man who is alone is not fully developed. Character can only be developed during the process of interaction with other people. A woman therefore brings to completion the fullness of manliness.

the woman was anointed to be the specific helpmate that the husband requires. This does not depend on intelligence or physical strength but on divine ordination.

4) Genesis 3:16 “—your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.”

5) 1 Peter 3:3 “---your beauty should not come from outward adornment such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewellery and fine cloths. Instead, it should be that of your inner self.

The unfading beauty of gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in god used to make themselves beautiful.

They were submissive to their husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him master. You are her daughter if you do what is right and do not give way to fear”.

Verse 10 “---who can find a virtuous woman ? for her price is far above rubies.”

She is a rare treasure. She is virtuous, a woman of power and strength of character. She is invaluable, worth far above rubies.

Verse 11”—the heart of her husband doth safely trust in her –“ He trusts in her fidelity to his interests and that she will never betray his counsels , nor have any interests separate from that of his family.

Verse 12”—she will do him good and not evil all the days of her life— “

Verse 14”—she is like a merchant’s ship , she bringeth her food from afar—“

Verse 15”—she giveth meat to her household and a portion to her maidens----“

She is discipline , diligent in every household duty economic and yet liberal , faithful and loving as a wife and as mother with the fear of god in her heart.

Her husband is renowned because of her ..Her diligence and amiability at home enable him , with undistracted mind to attend to his public functions.

She is wise and kind. She is not talkative but thoughtful and sensible in her words.

Verse 27 “—She looketh well to the ways of her household and eateth not the bread of idleness—“

Verse 28”—Her children arise and call her blessed , her husband also praiseth her---“

The children are brought up in the ways of the lord and they praise her and her husband also praises her.

7) She is intercedes for her family in prayers. She makes herself available to become the closest friend and the confidant of her husband.

8) She creates a joyful atmosphere in her household because it is the woman who dictates the atmosphere in a home.

9) proverbs 12:4 “---The wise woman builds her own house but with her hands, the foolish one tears hers down.”

10) Proverbs 21:9 & Proverbs 25:24 “Better to dwell in the corner of the house top than share a house with a disagreeing, quarrelsome, nagging and fault-finding woman.”

Men respond to spoken words, therefore a woman who has got too much to say will drive her husband to the roof top. Even though, physically he sleeps on the bed, his heart is on the roof top.

2) A husband needs respect from his wife. If a man does not get respect from his wife, it drains him and dampens his desire to prove his manliness. A wife should esteem her husband otherwise she becomes a hindrance to the expression of his manliness. This can happen in the following ways;

a) Using exciting words to describe other people that she never used when speaking about her husband. It is devaluating and disrespectful.

b) By resisting his decision, and emphasising her point by bringing up his wrong decisions in the past.

c) By resisting his spirit through the spirit of rebellion. Negative vibrations are sent out in a quiet and very subtle way.

d) By resisting his physical affection or advances. A mans spirit is crushed by resisting his sexual advances.

3) A man needs a wife that will be loyal to him through thick and thin, particularly at his worst moments. Encouragement from the wife can easily change a man.

5) A husband needs a wife who appreciate and show gratitude for what he has done as well as what he would not do though other men are doing them.

4) Love and accept yourselves without conditions. Happy couples do not believe that they have to perform to be accepted.

7) Engage or entertain yourselves with lively humour. The joy of the lord is your strength.

11) Be tolerant of your partner’s weaknesses and do not expect overnight change.

1) Trust is a process not an event, therefore it takes time to build. Make yourself trustworthy regardless.

2) Avoid the spirit of control by manipulation or intimidation. This is the spirit of witchcraft.

4) Do not dwell on the weakness of your partner or soon you will be infected with the same spirit, because “as a man thinketh in his own heart so he is”.

6) Be mindful of your pronouncements, some truths are bitter but good timing may help.

7) Harbour no evil thoughts against your partner. Such imaginations are spiritual knives in the hands of the devil.

A tongue that is bridled must be accompanied by a mind that is controlled. Your thoughts have to align with your confession otherwise your house is divided against itself. This is dangerous because on the surface everything is nice and smooth but beneath the surface is a mind of turmoil, aggravation and of flaming inferno. A built up pressure itching to explode. A passion that is not

Expressed leads to perversion and destruction. If you can not control your mind then speak out, confront the situation and get help. Silence is golden if the mind is controlled, as the tongue is bridled.

As long as there is union, there is always some form of communication, but it is either effective or ineffective. Lack of effective communication does not mean not talking, it means not talking about

Any that is important. This can lead to misunderstanding and a feeling of being neglected or ignored and loss of self esteem.

Listening habit needs to be cultivated. Most people need someone who will listen to them and not someone who will talk to them. Someone with whom they feel safe enough to share their heart. In marriage it is important to listen. Listening gives your partner a sense of dignity and value.

Do not listen with just “ears” as most pretend to do most of the time, but stop what you are doing

Conflicts happen in a marriage. The issue is how to deal with them when they do occur. Learn to resolve the conflict within yourselves. It should always start with what you can do to help in resolving the issue, such as self adjustment, increasing your level of tolerance, forgiveness where necessary, and of course looking up to Jesus. Other people are more readily adjusted when you adjust.

God’s basis for fellowship is come let us reason together. Christian marriage is not absence of conflict but the understanding of it. If conflict is not resolved you become resentful and bitter. Bitterness defiles the marriage.

Determine not to be hurtful, but develop mutual respect and strive to maintain it.

Do not try to make your point by dragging out things already dealt with. Stick to the issue at hand.

Learn to lose an argument. It is frustrating to live with a partner who is always right.

CARDINAL STEPS IN RESOLVING A CONFLICT

Often most people are too busy at work, in the church or with the hobby and do not spend enough time with their partner. Spending time together affords the relationship time to grow.

TIME TOGETHER

1)A born- again person married to an unbeliever or a Christian with an unstable character.

	HUSBAND	WIFE
Principal need	To be respected specially in the public	To be cherished
Principal command	Love your wife	Submit to your husband
Cardinal disobedience	Not to love the wife	Not to submit
Principal strength	Crowned with anointing to head family	Humility for victory
Main weakness	Pride, usually the result of hidden fear	Over reaction
Common temptations	Anger and lust	Fear and insecurity

BY JOE IBOJIE

THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF A WOMAN IN MARRIAGE